I am tired of trying to make this relationship work. In the last couple of months I have given it my best. I have invested my time, energy and resources to ensure that everything goes fine. I was even going to introduce you to my parents, and seek their blessings to take our relationship to the next level but that plan must change because I now see you for who you truly are. Your warm embrace has now become very cold. Your smile has now become a deafening smirk and now I know that the love you professed was just to steal my joy and peace away.
You made becoming a bad boy look so attractive, you even gave me a few role models. Some were gangster others were tagged celebrities, all were going to hell but you never informed me. You encouraged me to get high on cheap beer and strong spirits until eventually you took me to cloud nine. My initiation was quick and you made it clear that you had received my consent to come into my life. Now I am confused because I don’t know why all my beautiful dreams have been replaced by the nightmares wherein I am the major character. Sometimes, I wake up and I just feel so lost, so confused and its all because of you.
The other day, I went to bed with the strange woman you had introduced to me. She had been standing by the road side in clothes that left nothing to the imagination as she unselfishly showed all she had to offer. We spent the night exploring various positions, after the missionary journey, we went 69, barrel, doggy, elephant, scissors and many other positions that didn’t even have names. I guess the energy came from the drugs you had encouraged me to take and which I had naively taken. The following day, I woke up to realise that her name was frustration and I had entered into her cave unprotected. That illicit affair with frustration continued because she refused to leave, it was a case of pleasurable pain. I knew it was wrong but I felt helpless as frustration grew deeper in me. You were never there when I needed you so I constantly turned to the green bottle and the red stick, a lifestyle that made frustration cling harder to me.
Last week, I heard about my secondary school reunion but was too ashamed to show my face. I sincerely don’t want to blame you for what has become of my life but I realise that you led me to that present in my life. A point where I looked back and realised that I had been living a life of mediocrity, an echo of the past, only to realise that others have gotten new achievements to boast about but I had none. You had set me up with confusion and frustration and distracted me from seeing joy and success. The result of that distraction was that I have become your best painting, just like Michael Angelo; I had become your Mona Lisa. I am sure you smile when you see what you had created in me; a confused, frustrated mediocre.
These days, nobody wants to come close to me and I really don’t blame them. I won’t want to come close to me either. I now know that confusion has a terrible odour which is nothing compared to the smell of frustration and mediocrity. You have made me push away those who love me, choosing rather to hide in the solitude of your presence. These days I think of ending it all, kicking the bucket, throwing in the towel all at the same time. The thought of killing myself has become louder in my head and just like confusion, frustration and mediocrity, the thought of killing myself smelt bad and gave that same feeling of pleasurable pain. I had made up my mind to end it all by taking a drug overdose but that was when I met your nemesis.
He wore a white robe similar to the one you wore sometimes but his looked whiter. His face shone and he told me he was a prince, the prince of peace. I don’t think he was lying because in his presence I felt so much peace. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the presence of confusion, frustration and mediocrity, I couldn’t even smell them. They were gone and so were you. The prince told me that he knew you very well and that you are a master manipulator, a high profile fraudster and murderer. He told me many evil things about you and to me he said I was made for more than I was experiencing.
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